B|*ZZ4rD

well..

a lot to say..before starting..i'll go through some other stuff first...
made a few site updates, nothing huge yet..

linked my own comic infinite monkeyz on the comix page, which also meant I could remove it from the in development area :-)

also linked happy tree friends to comix.

will perhaps get on and do some more updates, but right now I'm not too sure, also got a friends b day party to go to tonight.

ok, well now that's done lets get to the other stuff..

I think perhaps ill start by quoting my brother...who has put alot of this into words..i'm not sure I could..

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I went over to my parents house today for the first time in a couple of weeks... I'm afraid to say my dad is not looking well, not looking well at all, to tell the truth I'm really scared

------a quick note for those that don't know what's going on (shame on you for not being a regular :P) my dad had/has a brain tumor, a grade 4 astrocytoma to be exact------

anyway, it just seems like we've regressed to how he was before the operation, he's back to eating non stop, his constantly tired or sleeping and he seems very distant all the time, not to mention forgetful, in short he's experiencing symptoms that he had before the operation, but they had gone immediately after the op

and yet the last time i saw him he was donig great, really on the mend. i really can't explain how i'm feeling right now and i'm not completely sure why i'm writing this now, i guess partly it's a good way to vent and just to say what i need to say and just get it all out and partly it's for the people that i'm not in contact with for one reason or another but they do read my site and care about what is going on

i feel like i'm just rambling now, but i really can't get my shit together, i'm really frightened i'm going to lose him, i honestly don't know if i'm going to be able to cope without him, already i'm starting to lose myself just typing this, i don't want to think like this but i've been caught unawares before and it hurt me so much, death of someone you love is never nice but it always seems worse when you haven't prepared yourself for it, but by the same token i'm not trying to be pessimistic, i'm not thinking that he's going to die but i think this whole experience has sort of brought on the fact that he IS going to die, maybe and most likely not from this tumor but someday - i hope a long way away, but the fact remains that he is going to die, and that scares the hell out of me, i guess that's natural and normal but it really makes me see things in another light, i think perhaps i need to rethink some of my own priorities, but thats a vent for another time and possibly not the right place for it either

i've realised that i probably sound very egocentric right now but i'm honestly not trying to be, i'm not trying to come across as asking for sympathy, i'm just... fuck it, i don't know what i'm doing this for

anyway, thank you for reading all this, i really do appreciate it, if for any reason you would like to email me then please do so, i do really appreciate the support that i've had from friends past and present do to with all of this, if ever i've needed your support, it's now

i think this would be a good place to leave things for tonight, good night
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it fells like i should start these posts with dear diary or something...anyway, another day and my dad is getting worse, his headaches are back, and i don't just mean headaches in the "normal" sense of the word, i mean the exact type of headaches he was getting before the operation. The vomiting is also back

coupled with the other symptoms that i mentioned yesterday this isn't a good thing, i was always slightly worried about the fact that he had such a fast growing tumor and yet they left it so long after the operation before having radio therapy, which by the way he hasn't even started so we can't just blame it on that

so here we are, pretty much back to square one after two months of hell for me and my family, two months of life threatening brain tumor for my dad. i wish it wasn't happening, i really do, i wish there was something i could do to make it all go away, but there isn't, my fathers life seems to be in the hands of doctors, so why the fuck can't they pull their fingers out and get this sorted, it's not like it's something non-urgent, it's a fucking brain tumor....or in laymans terms, cancer of the brain

anyway, i'm gonna stop writing now, i'm not really sure why i started i guess i just needed to get something off my chest. thanks again for reading my diatribes and take care
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yesterday was not a good day

i'm not quite sure how to say this, there's the long version, or the short version

ok medium version... i was supposed to be taking my dad to a routine doctors appointment at about 9:30. When i got there i knew something was wrong, he could respond to comands but nothing else really, he couldn't walk either, he was like a zombie. anyway, lets just say that he was worse than i've ever seen him before. My mum and I get him dressed and ready to go to the doctors, i realised very quickly that something was seriously wrong and theres no way that he's healthy enough to get to the doctors. i phoned for an ambulance, it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, trying to explain to them what was wrong wasn't easy, i can't even put it all into written words, let alone speech. Once the ambulance gets here i phone my brother (who works in london) and tell him to come home now, fuck i can't remember everyone else i called at that point, but i'm sure it's not important.

afteer my brother gets into slough we both go to the hospital, dad is in A&E, and he doesn't look good at all, they take him for another CT scan, the time now is about 11:30 we still haven't really been told anything (but he is given a diaretic and a steriod), after lunch he gets moved onto the assessment ward.

.

i do really apprecite you reading this as i'm sure you can appreciate it's not easy for me

he has been the best father i could have asked for and now i'm going to lose him to brain cancer, i think it's fair to say i feel broken and hurt right now

if anyone who reads this is not in contact with me in person, i welcome any emails right now
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me again... there is a good ending for this...which my bro hasn't had a chance to write yet...
my dad seemed to recover the following day..he was awake, responsive and pretty much back to normal!
it was amazing, and I really believe an answer to prayer..

his brain must have responded to the steroids and the swelling must have gone down...

the war still isn't over, my dad will shortly have to start radio therapy..
but right now..i'm glad he is home, out of pain, and in the place he belongs..

I would of course agree with my brother his is the best dad I could have asked for, he has been everything we have needed at every step of our lives..

please, if you know my family, or even if you don't, take the time to pray for us.

we need all the help we can get..

sadly, this is not over...